Pitiful Prayer

Treading into some controversial territory today: fair warning.

My husband and I got on the topic of prayer the other night. Admittedly, neither of us have the strongest prayer life. We acknowledge we need to work on it but we don’t know how.

My father would be so ashamed! I distinctly recall how that big, grown man fell humbly to his knees bedside every single night and in church every Sunday, praying quietly, even when he was too frail to kneel. I never knew what he said. Maybe all he recited was the Lord’s Prayer. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was all.

And Jesus himself taught us how to pray with that passage. To be humble before God and to acknowledge His position. To ask for what we need – and notably, not for our wants. To ask for forgiveness as we should do for others, and to lead us from evil.

And maybe that’s really all there ought to be to it.

But here I am, conflicted about prayer, knowing full well I am not the greatest role model for my kids or anyone on this topic. So bear with me as I give a confession of sorts. I can’t imagine I’m alone with this.

nathan-dumlao-583574-unsplashI don’t see how or where prayer works for me personally. It’s been my experience that God doesn’t answer. I don’t think He pays any attention to me at all.

It’s not like I don’t pray: I do. I certainly pray on behalf of others. But when it comes to things that impact me directly – things I personally want or need – I have zero expectations, so I’ve stopped asking on my own, or stopped believing that asking does any good. My faith is weak. Still I try, but it feels a little like crossing my fingers in superstition more than anything.


Let me explain. So many of us learned as children to pray and offer our petitions to God, and He would provide for us. As a child, you believe He will give you what you fervently pray for.

As you grow older, you notice that doesn’t happen. Both my husband and believed when we were younger that God didn’t shower us with the blessings we wanted because we didn’t live a good and worthy enough life, so we tried harder to be good and worthy in His eyes.

Still it didn’t happen. I struggled to understand where I was falling short. My husband quickly learned God wasn’t going to magically grant him a good performance as a musician if he prayed for it. No, he learned he needed to practice himself to ensure that he had a good performance.

Now my faith coaches me almost exclusively to ask God’s mercy because I’m a sinner, full stop. I’ve done nothing to deserve blessings. I have blessings simply because God has shown mercy and given His grace. And well yes, I’m flawed… I’m a sinner, through and through.

Now am I grateful for my blessings? Every single day, for every good thing. I give my thanks to God for those. I also know that some of these blessings are sheer, dumb luck.


You could almost make an argument that I don’t believe in God, but I do. I absolutely believe in a higher power. I simply can’t imagine the universe and all of us materialized out of nothing for no reason at all, despite the prevalence of sheer, dumb luck noted above. I just can’t fathom that when we humans discover the beauty and elegance among ourselves, on earth, in the seas, and in the universe that it is purely the result of scientific law and nothing more.

Of course, it hurts my brain to ponder that for too long because it begs the question of why and what we’re here to do…and I don’t want to get into that for now because I’m still not sure what my calling is. But today, I want to focus on prayer.


In another example, we are parents trying to guide our own children in the faith. Their innocence is so very pure. It broke my heart to hear my young son cry to me one day, explaining that he prayed to God for a certain outcome, and it didn’t happen. He didn’t understand why God didn’t hear his prayer and answer in the affirmative. I don’t remember how I coached my son at the time. What I truly believed I kept to myself, because I don’t want to crush my son’s spirit and besides, I’m not sure I’ve got it all figured out. I suppose maybe we aren’t supposed to.

What I’ve come to believe is this:  I personally don’t think God answers prayers at all. It’s an awful thing to admit, but that’s been my experience. Maybe my eyes aren’t open wide enough. I just think it’s completely useless to ask God for something you have the power or influence to change yourself. So, so much of what happens to you is in your power, even though some things happen as a result of pure, dumb luck or its evil twin, misfortune. True, some events are tragic or very fortunate indeed, and absolutely nothing you did or could have done could have changed that fact. Stuff just happens, whether or not you deserve it.

When I’ve tried to make sense of why God doesn’t answer my prayers, I hear that He answers them in His time and His way. We may not get what we wanted because He knows that what we wanted isn’t ultimately right for us.

How I hate that answer. God’s time is all eternity and I can’t wrap my head around that. Because you see, I’m living in the here and now, and maybe it’s arrogant to say it, but I have a pretty good handle on what is good for me. So this excuse we’re given for “inaction” on God’s part…well, I don’t think that’s how that works. I’m not saying this is what the Bible has taught me. This is flawed, little old me struggling with faith.

It feels pointless to ask God for anything. If He answers however He wishes, what’s the point of praying? Besides, doesn’t He already know what’s in my heart before I open my mouth? I suppose there is something to having a dialogue with God, but I think that’s just a fancy way of having a dialogue with yourself.

In its purest form, that’s meditation, which is even scientifically proven to be beneficial. I particularly like the meditation practice, or prayer, where you think about and channel positive thoughts toward the people you love, the people who are sick, people who you don’t like or who are your enemy, etc. On a quantum physics level, that stuff is real, the energy waves do make a positive impact.

Not to mention how there were times when I was disappointed in God’s “response”, or lack thereof, when it turns out I held the power to change my circumstances and failed to do so. I was looking for miracles from the Almighty when all I really needed was effort of my own.

Bottom line, I am convinced that you hold most of the power.

If you love someone and you desperately want them to love you back? You need to take action, be courageous no matter how vulnerable and unworthy you may feel, seek them out, and tell them how you feel. Don’t wait for divine intervention to communicate your feelings on your behalf and move your beloved to find you. You must be the one to take the action. You fail to do that, you lose. No one’s fault but your own. Believe me, I have learned this lesson the hard way. And once those opportunities are gone, they are gone forever, at least in the “here and now” part of forever. No amount of praying reverses it.

You want to be healthy? You must be the one to take the steps to make that happen. Eat properly, exercise, get sleep, find better ways to cope with your stress, change jobs if need be, or limit your exposure to toxic people. God isn’t going to do that for you. You must do that for you. No amount of praying gets you up off your own butt, miraculously causes you to get strong and limber, or purges the toxic people from your life.

You want that job, that house, that car, that whatever? I could give endless examples of what I mean, but you get the idea.

Maybe the next logical conclusion is there is no point in praying at all. God will show mercy and grace if He chooses. His right. It’s not like I can control it.

I acknowledge that God granted me a family, which is something I prayed for long ago. For some crazy reason, I can’t think of any other examples, but this one blessing is definitely one that is over the top. Each child is an absolute miracle, more than I could have ever dreamed.

However my heart breaks over the many worthy people who hoped and prayed for children that never materialized. I don’t know what to make of that. There are no good answers for why that is. All I know is that my husband and I were both healthy enough and still young enough to have children and we did. However it took some effort on our part…no immaculate conception at Louie Lodge, or anything.

This leads me to my next point: haven’t we all seen enough pure dumb luck as often as we’ve seen random misfortune in people’s lives? I tried futilely for years to understand why that is. There is no reason or rationale. It just happens regardless of how you pray.

And then, when things do go wrong, people often repeat that phrase, “God doesn’t give you something you can’t handle”. I really don’t think God doles out blessings and curses that way. Misfortune is sometimes earned and sometimes not. This line is just a way for people to express hopefulness that you’ll get through the misfortune and not let it kill you or wear you down.

As I said earlier, I don’t mind praying for others. We do this in church with every service and I do this all of the time on my own. And true, I even had the gall to ask for prayers for myself from others but it is a rare occurrence. I can count only two times I deliberately, sincerely asked for help out loud. It was to overcome something I’ve struggled with my whole life. And the bottom line?  It’s ultimately up to me to fix, no one else.


Now all of this said, I have witnessed a certain power to prayer when a group of people come together and someone gives voice to what they hope will arise. I think that sort of prayer is very powerful. It’s really a call to action for the group. Someone articulates what needs to happen, and it moves each of us on a cellular level to take action, whether it is through kind words or hands-on deeds.

Sadly it’s become an insult to send nothing but “thoughts and prayers” these days when something horrific happens. I will admit that it bugs me if that’s all anyone does. I hope people are moved people to do something, send money, visit, share a resource, change a law, or connect people who can help one another. True, sometimes we are too far away to do anything but send thoughts and prayers, but we can call or write. We can do something, right? Shouldn’t we be moved to find something constructive we can do, too?

Otherwise we’re walking the proverbial road to hell, paved with good intentions.  Living this life with nothing else but good intentions.

Nevertheless, there is real power in group prayer. It’s casting a net for people to collectively be God and do His work. It’s reaching into the divine within each of us.

I realize that my personal experience here could be taken to be at odds with Christianity but I humbly disagree. Each and every one of us is the manifestation of God. We are collectively needed to demonstrate His power. Maybe that’s a little too heady for some people or too blasphemous for others, but if it drives good and positive results, real help or comfort for the people of our world, how is that bad or wrong?

Believe me, I wish praying was as simple as manifesting what you wanted and needed in your own mind and God was a genie granting your wishes. It just doesn’t work that way.

And it’s quite possible my life isn’t richer because my prayer life is pitiful.

Sigh….sometimes I envy people who quietly put their full faith in God. And other times, I roll my eyes at people who do that. I can’t articulate where I draw the line…I’m not proud of my skepticism. Maybe it’s the extreme or showy people who puzzle me. Maybe I’m jealous of those who give everything to God. Or maybe it’s the people with a quiet or absolutely unmoved, utterly positive faith in God that inspire me the most. I admire them, but I am not among them.

Lord, have mercy.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Crossfit “New You” Review

It’s Sunday night and things are winding down here at home. I’m thinking about this past week. What makes today different is that I actually took a serious step toward better health and fitness by attending my first Crossfit class last Monday, and I had the guts to return on Wednesday and again on Friday.

You have no idea how monumental this is for me.

I showed up at the appointed hour on Monday evening. The place has no air conditioning so I kind of expected to sweat like crazy, but thankfully it wasn’t blistering outside. I’m doing the “New You Challenge” which is a six-week course, three days a week. Four other people signed up with me, three other women, all of whom have various weight loss/fitness goals, and a young guy who wants to build muscle. Michelle is our coach and she is a spunky, strong brunette gushing with contagious, positive energy.

I’m totally guessing but suspect this New You Challenge is well-known in Crossfit circles as the classic entry-level regimen. Presumably if you display a certain level of fitness when the whole thing is done, you can graduate to other classes. In other words, it’s a bit like being a guppy in beginner swim class.

I’m cool with that.

So Day 1: some time was spent with intros, weigh-ins, and some nutrition talk.  Every single one of us was pretty pumped up. I liked that our class was small, and I have a feeling we’ll really get to know each other well as the weeks progress.

We then learned some upper body stretching exercises with PVC pipe – those felt good, did a little walking/running – whatever you could handle, and then tried these things called air squats  – which resemble the motion of sitting on a chair and getting back up – which were increasingly tough to do. I think Monday was also the night we did sit-ups with this cushion tucked behind our butt which made sit-ups infinitely easier to do. I could definitely tell a difference in that I used my abs versus my lower back to lift up off the ground. It was incredible! We did three reps of these exercises in succession and timed it, blaring some great music. When it was done, I definitely felt that I had worked out, which was a great feeling. One of the women in my class looked a little defeated but I tried to cheer her up and told her we’re in it together.

You see, I’ve gone to the gym and done the circuits but it isn’t fun. I’ve hired a coach even, but for various reasons that didn’t really have the best impact either. There was a time I did Bikram yoga and LOVED it – made pretty good progress in my stretches and positions over a few months – but we moved out-of-state and I haven’t found anything convenient quite like that since. I walk on my own and I keep it low-key because I don’t want to overdo it, but I’m not making progress. It’s discouraging.

As exhilarated as I was Monday evening, posting about it on Facebook, I could feel my muscles seize up. I mean, whoa.

Tuesday? My thighs were killing me. Walking up and down stairs was frightening…my friend asked if I felt like Bambi shortly after being born, and yep, that about sums it up! I felt I couldn’t even trust my legs to hold me. Even getting up and down out of a sitting position was excruciating, and apparently totally normal as my teammates reported the same thing when we reconvened for the next session.

Then it was Wednesday and my legs still felt the same. I wondered how in the world I would get through Day 2, a bit concerned that we were going to work those same muscles. I mean, what do I know? Maybe this kind of pain is what athletes feel all the time and they push through it. “No pain, no gain”, right? Or is that old school and stupid? I am clueless. I mean, I’m not trying to say that it felt like my muscles had torn in two or anything, but I can’t say it felt, um, normal.

Turns out I didn’t have to worry on Wednesday. We worked a different set of muscles that evening. Tried the famous “box jump” which wasn’t as frightening as it looks on YouTube. Sandeep, the one guy in our class, was able to completely hop up onto the box that night to wild cheers from the rest of us, but none of us women felt confident to give it a go. Fortunately for us, Michelle shows us modifications that appropriately push our respective limits.

We each tried jumping onto the weights you put on the end of a bar bell. Some of us jumped up on one, two or three of those stacked high. We learned kettle bell lifts that night, too, and took our hand on the rowing machine which really got my heart racing.

But it was good…it reminded me of the time I joined a rowing team in Pittsburgh and won the only athletic medal I’ve learned in my life, for coming in second in some race on the Allegheny River. I should get that thing framed, really I should. 🥈

becca-matimba-284905-unsplashThe end of Day 2’s “workout of the day” or WOD, was a huge victory for me. I realized I can do this. It was tough even to challenge me and leave me feeling like I really pushed myself, yet I am not discouraged by the fact that I can’t do the workout exactly as prescribed. We’re timed for our efforts, and although I am the slowest by far, I don’t care. I’m there. I’m doing it. And I realized I am ready for Day 4 tomorrow all the way through to Week 6 and beyond.


I don’t expect miracles with these efforts. After all, it’s not like I’m this master athlete, case in point: Day 3 introduced burpees, which I despise. I’m encouraged that I was able to do them, but I can’t really keep pace during the workout itself, so once again, I chose to do a mod instead.

However, I came a little early on Friday and saw a more advanced class in action. Once again, there were various levels of fitness among the people, but they were doing it together. And the women looked strong. It was a beautiful sight, really it was. And they were having fun, pushing their physical limits without killing themselves.


What has surprised me is the number of people who have high-fived me in some way. I’ve “friended” the coach and two of my classmates online and they are amazing. One of the women, Jessica, has an amazing, kick-ass attitude that leaves me in awe. Her good vibe is contagious.

And then there are my other friends who’ve made a point to congratulate me for taking this step, or to tell me I’m inspiring them. This surprised me as I didn’t expect so many women from different parts of my life to pull me aside or message me to say that I’m motivating THEM. I mean, that’s kinda crazy. I’ve hardly done anything yet.

What is the most surprising is how good I already feel emotionally. I’m proud of myself for taking a radical step like joining Crossfit. I am the first to attest that it isn’t as scary as that may sound. It’s very doable…which is the best thing about it. I can actually DO THIS. And I feel strong doing it, which is an incredibly empowering feeling. The five of us and our coach are high-fiving and cheering one another on through all of the demos. This is the most supportive environment I’ve ever been in and I’ve tried a bunch of things.

It seems that people don’t have a hoot what they look like doing it, they just want to get fit and strong, and that’s a beautiful thing to be.

Here’s to Week 2 with Kelly, Jessica, Yelena, Sandeep, and Coach Michelle. We got this.

Photo by Becca Matimba on Unsplash